So Jacqboots Smith's hubby has been rumbled cracking one off whilst watching porn. Regardless of the "outrage" at the taxpayer is paying for Dick Timney's pay-for-view habits, it is all rather amusing, in a Carry-On Home Office kind of way.

I suppose the idle Dick needs something to fill his evenings when Jacqboots is "holed up in her sister's back bedroom" (H/T Anna Raccoon), and he is no longer writing letters to the local press praising the MP for Redditch. Personally, I would rather have a wank than exercise conjugal rights with Ms Five Bellies from the Home Office.

There has been much speculation what Mr. Smith may have been watching, and seeing as how Nigel Griffiths' sexploits have not yet found their way to the internet a la Tommy and Pamela's honeymoon video, here are some possible titles:

Darling's Fistal Package
Home Office Sluts
Brown Eye for the Straight Guy

Following yesterday's mauling of  Gordoom Brownfinger at the hands of both Nigel Farage (UKIP), and Dan Hannan (Conservativve) in the European Parliament, the response from the British broadcast media has been....nothing, nil, nada, zippity doo dah fuck all. If you relied on BBC, ITN or SKY news you would have been deafened by the silence, to the point that it is as though it never happened at all, it is just a figment of bloggers' imaginations.

The videos posted on this blog have gone viral. Nearly every British blog has carried the video clips. But from the mainstream media there has been not a peep.

No wonder the sub-Prime minister was grinning like a masturbating chimp (copyright Guido), full in the knowledge that back home it would go unreported.

Update: I looked at all the main newspaper websites and could only find references to Brown's European parliament visit by typing "European Parliament" into each site's search engine.

The Times reports on Brown's EU speech here. No mention of either Farage or Hannan, but reports on another Conservative MEP:

Mr Brown’s aides acknowledged that efforts to win support for economic action before the G20 also served a domestic political purpose - on the day a Conservative MEP defied David Cameron’s plans to leave the centre-Right but federalist EPP grouping in the European parliament. Christopher Beazley, Conservative MEP for East of England, announced he was refusing to leave the grouping ahead of a June deadline set by Mr Cameron. "I am terribly sad but I cannot watch my country head for the rocks, which it will do if Cameron becomes Prime Minister and has no allies in the major governments of the European Union."

Once you wade through the Jade Goody mourn porn, there's this report from The Sun. Neither Farage nor Hannan get a mention.

The Daily Express only carries a video of Brown's speech, no report.

The Daily Mirror has a few lines here and a separate article highlighting criticism levelled at Cameron for withdrawing from the EPP. No mention of Farage and Hannan here, but then this is Toilets Maguire's rag.

Daily Telegraph report...nothing. The Indepent report...again nothing. The Guardian...well what did you expect?

Daily Mail reports it here. Farage & Hannan? Not a dicky bird.

Dan Hannan has given Gordoom a right kicking in the European Parliament. Gordoom blathered and drivelled his now tired old mantra of global this and unprecedented that and solution the other.

Hannan lays into Gordoom saying all the things that the good people of this once fair land have been wanted to say to the sub-Prime Minister. Except Mr Hannan is more eloquent and polite than I could ever be.

It begs the question though, is this why Cameron withdrew the Conservatives from the EPP?

Update: This video clip is featured here, here, here, here, here and here.

Guido called the Scottish Twat's reaction exactly right:

All the time Gordon just squirmed in his seat pretending not to be bothered.  Gordon was reduced to grinning like a monkey at a zoo caught playing with himself.

Love the monkey analogy, after all Gordoom has been throwing shit at the punters since 1997.

Nigel Farage also waded in on Gordoom. Just wasn't his day.

 

Q1.  Nigel Griffths (South Edinburgh) (Lab): If he will make the nasty press go away and leave me and my beard in peace, I was at Obama's inauguration you know.

The Prime Minister (Mr. Gordoom Brownfinger) (He's the man, the man with the faecal touch): Before ordering the arrest of the entire staff of The Sun and The News of The World, I am sure the whole House will wish to join me in expressing our deepest condolences to the family and friends of Jade Goody. We will never forget her thick as pigshit intelligence which has inspired so many bog standard comprehensive schoolgirls to become equally thick as pigshit. Due to Ms. Goody applications to Media Sudies courses are through the roof. We commend Ms Goody for her good works in making the founders of Endemol filthy fucking rich, just like my colleagues here on the front bench, although Endemol staff work for a living, whatever that may entail I have no idea. Ms Goody deserves our profound gratitude for her service not just to our country, but to Max Clifford, multiculturalism and the papparazzi. Her courage and sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Some soldiers died but I really don't give a enough of a shit to attend any of their funerals.

This morning, I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and Lord Mandelsailor. In addition to my duties in the House, I shall have further such meetings later today.

Update 25/03: Gordoom has run away to Obamaland again, leaving Mad Hatty to take a kicking at PMQs today. That'll learn her to try and oust our vainglorious leader.

Seen on Guido's site, there's a nice little applet that allows you to generate your own Conservative Party logo.

Here's a few of mine:

 

From the BBC website:

Premier League striker Victor Anichebe was challenged by police looking for a gang of robbers, as he looked in a jeweller's window with a friend.

The innocent Everton player, who was wearing a leg cast after surgery, is now demanding an apology.

Cheshire police said they acted because there had been a series of violent robberies in the area.

The police complaints watchdog is now investigating the claim that Anichebe may have been arrested by the infamous Constable Savage:

Dear Binman

After hearing you whine about your round the world trip, at taxpayers' expense I might add, on the radio this morning, I can't help but wonder whether you would have been treated any better by the Russian equivalent of the CIA and MI5 had you completed your training course in Afghanistan and gone to "Chechnya to help civilians".

You came to this country from Ethiopia. You were living here at the expense of the taxpayer and decided, under your own steam to travel to Afghanistan to learn more about Islam. You compared this with a Buddhist going to India to learn about Buddhism. Surely the birthplace of Islam is Mecca, not Kabul so travelling to Afghanistan is like going to France to learn about the Church of England. You were detained at Karachi Airport travelling on a false passport. Why did you feel it necessary to travel on a passport other than your own?

You have no cause for complaint so do us all a favour and fuck off back to Ethiopia.

Best regards

Henry

I've never really understood the purpose of Red Nose Day other than to make me switch the telly off and go and do something more purposeful.

Every two years we have TV personalities, comedians and other Z-Listers assuaging their collective guilt in order to get the general public to part with cash to be spent on charitable projects in other countries.

Well here's a radical idea: Why don't the fucking twats keep their fizzogs off the telly, donate their own money and build an agricultural college or two in Africa?

We are taxed when we earn, we are taxed when we purchase property, we are taxed when we drink and taxed when we smoke, we pay local taxes, fuel taxes and sales taxes and now a doctor is advocating a chocolate tax.

A Scottish GP illiberal fuckwit has called for chocolate to be taxed in the same way as alcohol and cigarettes to tackle increasing levels of obesity and type 2 diabetes.

Dr David Walker, a GP in Lanarkshire, said many people eat their entire daily calorie requirement in chocolate, on top of their normal meals.

Illiberal fuckwit

The doctor said chocolate used to be seen as a "treat" but had now become an harmful addiction for some.

Oh here we go, the first step in medicalising "chocolate addiction".

He will put his proposals to colleagues at a BMA conference in Clydebank.

Who, if they have any sense at all will give Dr. Walker short shrift. However I suspect that many of these BMA delegates will be members or trustees of one of the governments favourite charities and will see the anti-chocoholic campaign or advocating a chocolate tax as yet another carriage to be hitched to the gravy train. On FiveLive this morning, Dr Walker's view was endorsed by a representative from the Heart of Mersey charity who, it would seem from their annual report are funded by NHS PCTs and Local Authorities (ergo tax payers and local council tax payers) - they have been added to the fakecharities.org website.

Dr Walker, who is also a trained food scientist and nutritionist, told the BBC news website: "Obesity is a mushrooming problem. We are heading the same way as the United States."

I think you'll find Dr Walker that the USA's obesity problem is in large part due to the the American's propensity for fast food and eating out. Ever been to the States? Hershey Bars are the most disgusting confection and would probably be banned under the Trades Descriptions Act if sold here. No, the problem in the US is portion sizes. A standard US restaurant portion would feed a small African village - for a week.

Look you fucking interfering wankstain, chocolate is already taxed. It is subject to 15% sales tax as it is classified as a confectionery - check Her Majesty's Robbing Cunts website if you don't believe me. Rather than tax it, why don't you ration it or issue NHS patients with chocolate safety certificates or have our new ID card chips updated to "allow" us to purchase small portions of Cadbury's Fruit and Nut? But as you seem to be hell bent on telling people what to do, I suggest you swap your white coat and stethoscope for one of these:


To plaigiarise Spike Milligan:

As Devil's Kitchen is wont to utter: Fucking Hellski!

UPDATE: The BMA rejected Dr Walker's barmy proposal by just two votes. Wonder how many female doctors voted in favour?

Back in the mid-1990s I had a really good job working for a company that developed EDI software solutions. A family run concern that looked after its employees. Although there were those within the family's inner circle that were creative and technically brilliant, none of them had the business nous to take the company to the next level. And so they invited Vulture Venture Capitalists to buy a controlling stake in the company.

A new board was appointed. The MD was a superb bloke, but the (and I'm loathe to compare the person to anything approaching human) dogturd appointed Sales Director was a real piece of work. In next to no time, the family were ousted from the copmany altogether, the new MD sacked and the Sales Director or arsewipe (for want of a better description) had taken full control. He surrounded himself with women and short of beating his chest and throwing shit out of the window at passers-by, set himself up as the alpha male. Needless to say I did not last long under the regime and soon left the company. Sadly, the company is now defunct and set to close its doors for the last time in the next few weeks. The dogturd eventually got his comeuppance. He had been shagging one of his harem and his wife got wind of it and someone shopped him to the Vultures in charge and he got the hoof.

It was during this period of not being gainfully employed that I received a phone call. The person on the other end had seen my CV on a job website (Totaljobs, I think) and was very interested in securing a position for me. Long story short, I was invited to an interview in Manchester, went through an aptitude test and then an interview with a bloke approaching retirement age. It soon became apparent that this was not an interview for a specific job. Not at all. They told me how brilliant I was, how strong my CV is and given some self-awareness training they could place me in a high calibre position with a blue-chip company.

At this point the cogs in the bullshit filter were starting to fall into place...and then came the kicker. Take out a £5 grand education loan with them at some unfuckingbelievable APR and attend their self-awareness courses. The interview was terminated at that point and I thanked the man for wasting my day.

I recently finished one employment contract and was due to start another in the Netherlands at the beginning of February. A week before the start I received a call to say that the project in the Netherlnds had been cancelled. So I registered with the usual job sites seeking contract work.

Lo and behold, I have started receiving calls and emails from these same self-awareness course organisers promising access to the unadvertised jobs market and the associated untold wealth. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but aren't companies legally obliged to advertise positions so as not to discriminate against the workforce at large? These companies offer nothing of any value, they are no better than the emails I receive almost daily purporting to be from Nigerian/Iranian/Iraqi/Singaporean/Vietnamese/Cambodian/South African (or any other third world shithole you may wish to add) persons of importance offering to share £55m with me.

Anyway, suffice to say they all get short shrift, so a word to the wise; just tell them to fuck off!