At noon today, we will see the Prime Mentalist drag his husk off the government bench towards the dispatch box and utter some mealy mouthed condolences to the family and friends of the latest Afghan war casualty. The Speaker will run down the list of planted questions, select the most obsequious pro-Labour question before he calls the Leader of the Opposition:

Speaker: Dayveed Camruhn

House: yah boo sucks!

DC: Thank you Mr Speaker. This past week we have confirmed that the election in Afghanistan should declared null and void. There is evidence of ballot box stuffing not seen since the Glenrothes by-election. Yet this Prime Mentalist and his American boyfriend are still prepared to praise the corrupt Afghan drug lord for being condescending enough to hold a re-run of the election. Is this what our brave young men and women are dying for?

Prime Mentalist: M m m m m mr Speaker....drone....wibble....tractor statistics....more people in employement....saved the world....drone....wibble.....our armed forces now better equipped than the Toon Army.

DC: We now have 48 days to "save the world". Has the Prime Mentalist read the Copenhagen Treaty and does he agree with signing up to a communist manifesto that will plunge the world back to the Dark Ages?

PM: wibble....greatest challenge facing mankind....all our bunnies and puppies are going to die....CO2 emission targets....Ed Miliband.....it's for the children....party opposite who would do nothing...

DC: Our public sector borrowing has now topped one trillion pounds. How does the Prime Mentalist envisage reducing the huge deficit he has created?

PM: We are the party of investment, they are the party of cuts....help the richest 3000 families...we will help save jobs and mortgages ... wibble...drone....only party in the world that would make cuts in a recession...that is why we have taken the difficult decisions....wibble...ensure that when the ungrateful bastard electorate vote me out next year there's fuck all left for you Eton toffs and I can write another book on how to save the world form evil bankers.

DC: *leaves despatch box, picks up mace and smacks Prime Mentalist in the gob* Take that you stupid, blathering, Scottish fuckwitted traitorous bastard.

HOC: Loud cheers and cries of "Finish him, finish him!"


Now that would be a PMQs worth watching