On hols now for two weeks of sunshine, sea and windsurfing.

While I'm gone, try not to let the Russians annexe Georgia (they do have the same flag and patron saint as us), and will someone please, please, please rid of us Gordoom Brownfinger and his jockuza.

Gary Glitter has arrived at Heathrow. Bet he won't be singing "Hello! Hello! It's Good To Be Back" this morning.

At least that's the line from Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb".

And to add to the ever increasing number of channels of shit on cable and satellite, Gordoom Brownfinger might just be launching his own TV channel - perhaps he was channel surfing and noticed one called "Dave" and decided to have one of his own. Downing Street have denied it but you have to wonder....

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Imagine the scene: <Geordie voiceover>

"It's the day before the Labour Party Conference. Gordon and Toilets Maguire are going over Gordon's conference speech. Gordon receives a visitor"

Enter civil servant carrying silver tray with letter from David Miliband, loaded revolver and glass of Macallans.

Exeunt civil servant ducking to avoid the Nokia unguided missile.

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If No10TV is launched you can almost guarantee it would be the least watched channel in the entire history of television.

In an increasingly desperate attempt to cling onto office, Gollum Brownfinger is taking his mates out for a day in the Black Country.

Ministers will also be taking part in a range of other events in the region on the day to give them an opportunity to "engage" with the public.

The spokesman said the move was part of the government's commitment to "listen and learn" from people's experiences.

Let's hope that by the end of the "away day" they will understand both parts of FUCK and OFF!

In the government's latest interference scheme, parents are to be sent letters by the local Primary Care Trust if their kids tip the scales in excess of some arbitrary weight limit. Instead of the "O" word, or just telling the parents that their offspring is just a fat little git who should spend more time outside in the garden rather than glued to the Xbox or Playstation, parents will be advised to do a stock check on the pie cupboard.

Has anyone noticed that in the numerous interviews and press briefings how much David Miliband sounds like Tony Blair right down to the glottal stops and inflections and annoying mid-sentence pauses. Henceforth he shall be known as Miniblair.

After floating his fluff piece in the Grauniad a couple of days ago, a cabinet reshuffle is looking ever more likely. Last evening, the Times posted an article [Headline: David Miliband quits foreign trip to spark new rumours of challenge to Brown] reporting that Miniblair had cancelled a planned trip to India and had gone round the office shaking hands doing the "nice working with you" bit round the Foreign Office, whilst the civil servants were no doubt just glad to see the back of him. Within a couple of hours the article had been withdrawn.

Gollum Brownfinger, it appears has gone postal - rumours of an aide getting in the way of a flying stapler - and is now going to reshuffle the cabinet as early as next week. That'll learn the bastards - replacing one useless set of incompetents with another set of useless incompetents. The Times article that disappeared was replaced with another saying that Brownfinger had ordered Miniblair to cancel the trip as the government is going to have a couple of cabinet meetings and an away day.

A couple of questions then:

1. What sort of control freak takes "aides" with him on holiday?
2. Miniblair is heading for a holiday in Menorca, will he be attending the cabinet meeting or has he been given the "sack"?

Like I say, it's worth watching just for the schadenfreude value.

I imagine the the cabinet will have a sudden loss of courage during the "away day" and won't have the collective balls to tell Gollum the jig is up. And so it will go on and on. The Labour Party conference with be a corporate rah-rah session with sycophants praising the Great Leader's one-eyed vision to the rafters and how lucky we are that Gollum is at the helm.

There is another scenario. Given Gollum's propensity for chucking a tantrum, Harriet has a word with Sarah about the "torment and suffering" she has to endure being married to Gordon. Sarah kills Gollum and gets off scot free because of Mad Hattie's legislation to protect the sistahs. Mad Hattie takes over a Labour leader. Male MPs leave the party in droves, except the Miniblairs who both look like they are partial to a bit of botty smacking, and Labour implodes never to be seen again.