LICENSEE: HENRY CRUN

The abovementioned licensee is hereby authorised to purchase chips; (a starchy, tuberous crop from the perennial Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family fragmented into pieces not greater than one square centimetre in area as specified in the CHIP FRAGMENTING (HUMAN CONSUMPTION AT AN ELEVATED TEMPERATURE) DIRECTIVE: EU/BALLS 2008/5ADAY/and fried in a heat transmission fluid extracted from vegetables).

IT IS OFFENCE TO USE THE HEAT TRANSMISSION FLUID FOR THE PURPOSE OF COOKING CHIPS KNOWN A “LARD” THAT MAY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEEN USED TO PREPARE “MARS BARS” IN CERTAIN NORTHERN DOMICILES.

THIS LICENCE MUST BE PRESENTED TO A PURVEYOR OF CHIPS SUCH PURVEYOR HAVING BEEN DULY LICENCED FOR SUCH TRADE BY THE HEALTH AND SAFETY AT CHIP SHOP REGULATIONS (HSE) (More BALLS) 2008.

IT IS A FURTHER REQUIREMENT THAT A MEANS OF IDENTIFICATION SHALL BE SHOWN TO SUCH LICENCED PURVEYORS TO ASSURE SUCH PURVEYOR THAT THE PERSON PURCHASING RENTING OR LEASING SUCH CHIPS IS NOT OF SCHOOL AGE AND TO CONFIRM THAT SAID CHIPS SHALL NOT BE PURCHASED FOR THE CONSUMPTION OF SUCH PERSON THAT ONE COULD HAVE REASONABLY ASSUMED WAS OF SCHOOL AGE.

IT IS AN OFFENCE TO PURCHASE CHIPS BY PERSONS NOT HOLDING A CURRENT VALID “CHOLESTEROL CONSUMPTION LICENCE” UNDER EU DIRECTIVE EUDGTRLFDD567/UEOCNNNDT/TOTAL-BALLS 2008.

IT IS AN OFFENCE FOR PERSONS WITH BODY MASS INDEX GREATER THAN 25 TO PURCHASE CHIPS UNLESS THEY HAVE AND HAVE HAD FOR ONE YEAR A CHOLESTEROL COUNT OF LESS THAN 5mmol/l, and an LDL level under 3mmol/l.

NON-SOCIALIST EATING STYLES CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH. THE USE OF PHRASES SUCH AS “FAT BASTARD”, “LOOK AT THE ARSE ON THAT” AND "WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?" ARE HEREBY PROSCRIBED BY THE ABOVE REGULATIONS AS THESE MAY CAUSE OFFENCE TO PERSONS OF CERTAIN CULTURES KNOWN TO FREQUENT CHIP SHOPS.

Not all my own work, the credit goes to Acorn - commenter on John Redwood's blog.