LICENSEE: HENRY CRUN

The abovementioned licensee is hereby authorised to purchase chips; (a starchy, tuberous crop from the perennial Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family fragmented into pieces not greater than one square centimetre in area as specified in the CHIP FRAGMENTING (HUMAN CONSUMPTION AT AN ELEVATED TEMPERATURE) DIRECTIVE: EU/BALLS 2008/5ADAY/and fried in a heat transmission fluid extracted from vegetables).

IT IS OFFENCE TO USE THE HEAT TRANSMISSION FLUID FOR THE PURPOSE OF COOKING CHIPS KNOWN A “LARD” THAT MAY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEEN USED TO PREPARE “MARS BARS” IN CERTAIN NORTHERN DOMICILES.

THIS LICENCE MUST BE PRESENTED TO A PURVEYOR OF CHIPS SUCH PURVEYOR HAVING BEEN DULY LICENCED FOR SUCH TRADE BY THE HEALTH AND SAFETY AT CHIP SHOP REGULATIONS (HSE) (More BALLS) 2008.

IT IS A FURTHER REQUIREMENT THAT A MEANS OF IDENTIFICATION SHALL BE SHOWN TO SUCH LICENCED PURVEYORS TO ASSURE SUCH PURVEYOR THAT THE PERSON PURCHASING RENTING OR LEASING SUCH CHIPS IS NOT OF SCHOOL AGE AND TO CONFIRM THAT SAID CHIPS SHALL NOT BE PURCHASED FOR THE CONSUMPTION OF SUCH PERSON THAT ONE COULD HAVE REASONABLY ASSUMED WAS OF SCHOOL AGE.

IT IS AN OFFENCE TO PURCHASE CHIPS BY PERSONS NOT HOLDING A CURRENT VALID “CHOLESTEROL CONSUMPTION LICENCE” UNDER EU DIRECTIVE EUDGTRLFDD567/UEOCNNNDT/TOTAL-BALLS 2008.

IT IS AN OFFENCE FOR PERSONS WITH BODY MASS INDEX GREATER THAN 25 TO PURCHASE CHIPS UNLESS THEY HAVE AND HAVE HAD FOR ONE YEAR A CHOLESTEROL COUNT OF LESS THAN 5mmol/l, and an LDL level under 3mmol/l.

NON-SOCIALIST EATING STYLES CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH. THE USE OF PHRASES SUCH AS “FAT BASTARD”, “LOOK AT THE ARSE ON THAT” AND "WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?" ARE HEREBY PROSCRIBED BY THE ABOVE REGULATIONS AS THESE MAY CAUSE OFFENCE TO PERSONS OF CERTAIN CULTURES KNOWN TO FREQUENT CHIP SHOPS.

Not all my own work, the credit goes to Acorn - commenter on John Redwood's blog.

It comes to something when "news reports" continually insult our collective intelligence.

Take this one from Sky News for instance.

Forgive my "ignorance" here, but how does one "stumble across" child porn? Please someone tell me. Are there insurance websites out there masquerading as havens for paedophiles? I think we should be told.

In the spirit of Ben Goldacre, please can we see the empirical evidence. A good start would be the internet history files of the "77%", then can we see what Google, Altavista, or other search engine search words were used? I for one don't believe you are going to find these images "by accident", you certainly won't find stuff on the interweb unless you specifically go looking for it. Typing words like "donation", "yacht" and "Corfu" into Google is hardly likely to return any salacious images of young Brazilians. Typing the word "sex" almost certainly will.

I suspect, that this report is merely a smokescreen for those wishing to promote censorship of the web. Another "WE MUST PROTECT THE CHIIIIILLLLDDDRRUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!" rallying cry. An insidious attempt at persuading the great unwashed that they must be protected from the evil internet and implement a certification system for websites and bloggers.

Fuck off!

"No more boom and bust"



"No more boom and bust"



Hat-tip: The Crown Blogspot.

Gordon, do us all a favour, just fuck off and take the rest of your porridge wog cronies with you. And Lord "Hello Sailor" Mandelson as well.

In recent days it would appear that Gordoom Brownfinger has confirmed what everyone has been thinking for some time - that nothing exists outside of Gordoom's own reality. So much so, that all references to previous budget reports and speeches where Gordoom hubristically stated that he had put paid to "boom and bust" and "abolished the economic cycle" have mysteriously disappeared from HM Treasury website.

In an anonymous comment from this post on Guido Fawkes's website, provided links to HM Treasury website.


All the links to the HM Treasury website now produce the following error message:


Guido himself posted: "No More Boom and Bust" Double Plus Ungood Malquote. The post is still visible on my RSS Reader, but the link to the post itself produces a "Page Not Found" error.

Is this the hand of Mandelkidneyston at work, supressing all negative reportage? Is the Labour Party so desperate to change the received wisdom that if all references are removed from the internet and public domain, that they think a) we won't notice that Gordoom is lying through his teeth, b) we are so stupid as to believe that Gordoom is the saviour of us all, and c) that of we can't find any references to past speeches we will believe that they never happened.

Maybe in Gordoom's mind they never did.

Update: Fortunately, the Times has not fallen foul of Gordoom's alternative reality and has listed Labour references to "no more boom and bust"

In the past few weeks, Gordoom Brownfinger has been telling everyone that will listen that "I have been calling for tighter global banking regulation for years". Oh he has, has he? Over at Dizzy Thinks, Dizzy poses the same question and asks for anyone to provide evidence of Gordoom's claim.

Well, I think I can do better than that. Here's an extract from Gordoom's Mansion House speech in June 2007:

And I believe the lesson we learn from the success of the City has ramifications far beyond the City itself - that we are leading because we are first in putting to work exactly that set of qualities that is needed for global success:

• openness to the world and global reach,
• pioneers of free trade and its leading defenders,
• with a deep and abiding belief in open markets,
• champions of diversity in ownership and talent, and of flexibility and adaptability to change, and
• a basic faith that from wherever it comes and from whatever background, what matters is that the talent, ingenuity and potential of people is harnessed to drive performance.

He goes on to say:

Indeed success will flow to, and the next stage of globalisation will be driven by those countries:

• which are open and not closed, stable, pro competition and flexible, able to adjust quickly to change, and
• can as a result find - through their social and political cultures - the best means of developing and creating wealth through the scientific, creative, and entrepreneurial talent of their people, not least through being world class in education and skills.

So why am I more optimistic than ever about the future of our islands, just one per cent of the world's population, in this new era of globalisation?

By your efforts Britain is already second to none:

• for our openness, pro Europe, pro free trade,
• a world leader in stability, and we will entrench that stability, by ensuring Britain's macroeconomic framework remains a world benchmark, and
• we are flexible, and in being vigilant against complacency, we must be, as I believe we are ready to become even more flexible.

So let me say as I begin my new job, I want to continue to work with you in helping you do yours, listening to what you say, always recognising your international success is critical to that of Britain's overall and considering together the things that we must do - and, just as important, things we should not do - to maintain our competitiveness:

• enhancing a risk based regulatory approach, as we did in resisting pressure for a British Sarbannes-Oxley after Enron and Worldcom,*
• maintaining our competitive tax regime, and having cut our main rate of corporation tax to again the lowest in the G8, today we are publishing the next stage of implementing Sir David Varney's recommendations for a more risk based approach to the administration of the system, with greater certainty on tax matters when it's needed most;
• and ensuring a modern planning system, that balances our economic and environmental needs with a more predictable and accountable decision making process, including that for major infrastructure projects.

* My emphasis and link - and the fucker has the gall to have a go at companies hiding debt off balance sheet when he resisted pressure for British companies to adhere to regulations that would prevent just that, and holding compnay executives to account who are in breach of these regulations!


Really, Gordon. Tighter global regulation you say....wipe your lips mate the bullshit is there for all to see.

I watched Capt. Darling on Newsnight last evening explain how he was going to increase government borrowing to cover the bailout plan for the banks.

Now, am I the only person confused by this? I mean from whom will he borrow the money. There's only one man who can explain this - Wat Tyler over at Burning Our Money. Wat explained in an email that Badger intends to borrow the money from the banks.

This means then that the taxpayer is borrowing money from the banks to lend the money back to the banks so that the banks can lend that money to each other.

I give up.

If only someone had kept their traps shut, the kids could have had fresh roast dinners for a week

It didn't take long. First Gordoom pisses more of OUR money away in propping up an ailing industry a la British Leyland then the greenies come down from the trees demanding the rescue plan take "climate change" into account. Read what this twat wrote.

I really should stop reading the papers online - it doesn't do my blood pressure any good at all.

Am I alone here in thinking that these morons just don't get it? We can no more change or even influence the climate than we can walk to the fucking moon. It's called WEATHER!! It's influenced by that big fuck-off yellow star in the sky - that thing you see when you go on holiday to the continent or the Caribbean.

Every single solution by these fucktards revolves around not driving anywhere or not using electricity anymore. But wood burning stoves are okay - that doesn't add to the "carbon footprint" apparently (one of these cunts comes to my door, he'll feel the full weight of my carbon footprint right up his arse) because it's biomass. WTF? And coal/oil isn't? Coal was a tree once upon a time.

I wish they would just fuck off and go and hug a polar bear.

I suppose it was pretty apt that on Saturday night I was transported, musically that is, back to the 1970's. Especially as the Labour Party has done everything in it's power to return us to those heady days of nationalisation, strikes and incompetent government.

Legends of Rock was the show at our local theatre house, featuring Tony McPhee's Groundhogs, Martin Turner's Wishbone Ash and Focus.

The Groundhogs were shit, Wishbone Ash were pretty good even though they did feature some bloke who used to be with Showaddywaddy, and Focus were, well Focus.

Now before you assume that I was some spotty parka-wearing nerdboy in the 70's listening to esoteric progressive rock bands, like King Crimson, Camel and Focus - no, they were sitting in the row in front of me. Some of them even remembered all the words. No, I had a passing interest in Wishbone Ash, had only ever heard Hocus Pocus by Focus before and had never heard of Tony McPhee or The Groundhogs. But I thought I would go and see what all the panic was about.

The Groundhogs were shit - the only word that can describe them really. McPhee mumbled and groaned his way through his set and appeared to just be going through the motions, playing his guitar as though bored with the whole charade but it was a paying gig so what the hell.

Wishbone Ash - or one bloke from the original Wishbone Ash and 3 mates. I've never understood the mentaility behind this seemingly flogging a dead horse of calling a band so-and-so's band wot I used to be in plus a brand new line up playing the same tired old numbers from our heyday. A bit like Richard Starkey forming a band with three mates and calling it Ringo Starr's Beatles. They were alright and my son thought they were the best of the three.

Focus came on stage led by a John McCririck look-a-like. Apparently this was Thys van Leer, the only surviving founding member. Musically, they were very good blending prog rock soaring guitar solos and jazz/classical flute and van Leer's weird scat vocals . By the end of thefourth interminably long number my son had lost the will to live and wanted to leave...so we moved to the back of the auditorium and waited for the doors to be opened (elfin safety diktates they can't be opened until the house lights come on) while Focus came back on stage for their magnum opus, Hocus Pocus. By this time I was getting bored and stood watching the sound engineer twiddle knobs and push sliders up and down a very complicated looking mixing desk. I have to admit that no matter how much twiddling and sliding he did, it seemed to have no affect whatsoever on the sound coming out of the speaker bank at the front of the stage.

Finally, they left the stage and we trudged out into the dark night. It may have been my imagination but I swear I could see rubbish piled up in the street and I almost tripped over a dead body on the way back to our Austin Allegro.

I am so heartily sick and tired of filling in ethnic diversity forms every new school year, every time I make a hospital appointment, every time I apply for a new contract position. Last week I filled in was for my son - every year we have to update the contact details, medical emergency permission forms and an ethnic diversity form. Which ethnic group do you belong to? And a page of tick boxes and ethnic groupings to choose from - since when is Irish an ethnic group? If the Irish are an ethnic group what about the Welsh, Scots, Manx, Picts, Gauls, Normans...?

It tends to be a source of amusement to my son and depending on his mood he is either White British, English-Chinese or British Asian.

The last time I filled one of these dreadful forms after a hospital appointment, I wrote "WTF does it matter?", then I thought what if we play the system at it's own game? What if we screwed up the ethnic diversity stats in the same way that Jedi became a recognised religion after the last census? So how about we create a new ethnic group - The Green Manalishis?. Next time you fill in a form that asks for you to define your ethnicity, tick "Other" and write "Green Manalishi" in the space provided.

It will only be a matter of time before there is a Green Manalishi Police Association.